Cod Liver Oil

Now You Are Still: Losing my baby girl

In the palm of my hand, you are at peace.

You are still.

Moments prior stretching, back-bends, kicking so.

In my hand I explore you whom spent 15 weeks deep inside my warmth and safety.

Now you are still.

.

The indent in your chin, a graceful curve.

So beautiful a girl with long fingers and toes like your dad.

Fresh tears come when I remember.

Now you are still.

 

In a box all your own, empty of spirit, simply bones.

Strong bones and delicate as can be.

Kissing your soft head ever so carefully.

Bruised from your entrance into this world.

 

Hands gently closed …. legs pulled in.

Quiet and still you lay in my palm.

May your journey be smooth and you return once again.

Baby girl of mine, I love you so.

 

The lioness licks you tenderly to taste your saltiness.

Craving you and holding back this urge to bite your cord and eat you whole.

Instead I suck the blood from your cord.

I want to eat you whole, take you back in to the depths of my womb.

Where you can grow and be the girl you are.

 

Your body so defined my heart bursts in pieces,

shattering into the whole world to know my agony.

I birthed you three days ago and I miss you.

You whom are still, still as can be.

Little you, still as can be.

 

I am sorry if I caused you to go.

I will ache for you, for the daughter you are and the sister you would be.

For the woman you were to become and the mom you may have been.

 

I will hold you close and wait for you to come.

I will listen for you.

I am your mother, you are my daughter.

In the quiet of a Thursday afternoon, I kissed you lightly feeling waves of love.

 

You simply lay there still to receive.

Perhaps I could have held you longer …. loved you more ….

taken better care of myself …. wanted you more …. resented you less.

I will tread lightly through such woods.

Remembering you and the curve of your chin.

I will move through life and love you all the more.

 

I love you baby girl, may you be still.

Love, your Momma

July 30th 2006

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1 comment to Now You Are Still: Losing my baby girl

  • Anonymous

    Your courage is an inspiration, Tara. What dignitiy you offered to that little girl in holding her through the entire arc of her precious life… sending love!

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